...heat...

...while reading listen to:

When I was little, I would love to play these games.

On the hot summer days, when the boredom took over, I would go to our driveway, to the car parked there, open its doors and sit in it. I would count how long I could sit in the summer heat, which made it hard for me to breathe, close my eyes from the scorching air that wanted to melt my skin.

It would be a guaranteed lecture if my mom found me.

But still, no matter the heat, no matter the awaiting lecture, I would do it. I would love to push myself a step further than the last time, addicted to the feeling of conquering the battle that I set for myself.

I had a sneaky little trick, that would make it easier to sit in the skin melting heat and the sweat covered clothes. As soon as I made it into the front seat and closed the car door, I would count to teen. It usually took these precious seconds for the initial shock to subside and my lungs to draw the air a little easier. Then I would close my eyes and let my mind wander.

It took me to the ice-covered lands. It took me to the harsh winds that would freeze and tore at my skin the minute they kissed it whit its brutal claws, to the white-coloured acreage where I would anchor my body and make this foreign soil my home. My mind conjured animals, breathtaking stories of people living there, my own story of its resident. I would have a home, a completely different life, all the while keeping my body cool, keeping my mind from panicking.

If you asked me today what my record was, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I always forgot about the seconds, minutes I would so proudly conquer...but stories, they stayed.

The game became a constant, a way to busy my racing mind; long tunnels, holding the breath in the bathtub, endless car drives, boring recitals, listening to lectures, dinners...while the body stayed, my mind effortlessly created its entertainment, that the world couldn't provide at the time. Later, I would have to learn of being present in the moment, of mindfulness, to become a constant; a body and mind present individual.

But still, these little games gave me a way to compete with my mind, myself. They made boring situations interesting, always pushing me to make it a step furder in a hard situation.

Somehow through the years my willingness to seat in hot cars, hot situations vanished. I grew accustomed to mild weather, rarely, if ever seeking skin melting heat and painfully cold claws. I grew weak, not willing to push myself anymore. My armour, which I used as a little girl couldn't defend me in day to day life anymore. Escaping to foreign lands wasn't an option anymore, and so I stayed in the climate that made me feel safe. Like a scared little lamb, I refused the process of becoming.

I used to fight my dreaming side when I learned how detached I was, desperately wanting to gain the knowledge of being present and wanting to suffocate my wandering thoughts. But as I come to realise, I need this side of me, because even after so many years, it still manages to still my racing mind and connects my body, soul and cognition. I stopped fighting myself.

Now, I am learning to weave the threat of the three in one ribbon, one existence, one life. I am learning how to make multiple sides of me coexist and the journey so far taught me that this is the road where my true self reigns.

I am letting the heat melt parts of me, cold claws to break my skin, rest and grow flowers from the harsh weather wounds in the mild weather. I am letting all the parts thrive and make their own garden where I can flourish peacefully.

...